moving on.

its been a long time since i have written anything here. i think it could have to do with the fact that i had unreliable internet. nonetheless, three months have passed. i have lived in a city called vinnytsia with five other DTS students. we worked primarily with orphans. it was an indescribable experience.. had its ups and downs, but i will never ever forget it.

then.. i graduated DTS on march 17th 2011. its over. i am done with DTS. i still dont really know how to feel about it. i made so many friends, had so many experiences that will stick with me for the rest of my life, i learned so many things, i am just at a loss for words of how to describe this feeling.

moving on.

now i'm sitting in my dad's office in donetsk, ukraine. i am here working with hime for the next week. with youthreach international (the organization my dad works for). he is doing some "business stuff'' here which includes visiting orphanages and trade schools.

we will be heading out on sunday, back to kyiv.. and then to catch our plane through hungary and into dublin, ireland. where we will spend a three day layover and then catch the plane back home to atlanta.

7 months flies by so fast. i dont know what to think. all i feel right now is the whiplash of looking back and seeing it all go away right in front of me.

i am ready to go home, and see friends, family, and everyone that i have been missing, but at the same time, i want to stay here and further my relationships with the kids. i love it here. i love the people, the culture.. and, well, everything.

i'll be back. i have to!

now i guess i should probably work on the "business" side of this. i still need $225 to go home. i dont know how it will come in, but im sure it will.. it always does.

off to write this email :)

it's a transitioning kind of time.

and here it is. the end of lecture phase. i dont know whether to be more excited or sad about this.. i have had so much fun for the past twelve weeks, and now i have another twelve to look forward too. sure, i had some ups and downs, and of course outreach phase will not be a walk in the park, but i have made it, and i will continue to make it!

about 20mins ago we, as a dts, held a fundraising night for our outreaches! i am not sure quite how much we made, but we had a good time doing it!

recent news has told us that the armenia team has had a change of plans. they will now all be flying into turkey, and then taking the second half for armenia and a slight possibility of ministering in Iran. (i am a little jealous about that one!)

anyway, i am packing my stuff away to be able to move in 6 days!

i am so excited!

it's just nostalgia.

it's not like time is something that ever stops. this can get annoying. i feel as if my time is running away from me. who said that it could go so fast? that's not cool. i'm almost halfway through my dts. and it feels like it just started. how can that be? i really don't understand it.

maybe it's the fact that here, in ukraine, during the winter, the sun sets at about 430pm. the day isn't even close to being over when it is pitch black outside. it's pretty new for me.

but even with the lack of sun, i feel like i am being fast forwarded. time flies!

anyway.

right now i am enjoying the flat all to myself. laundry done, room clean, homework done, book report finished, listening to cartel :), and with a hot cup of grape chai sitting next to me, being sipped at a slow pace. this is nice.

i feel accomplished.

i spent the whole weekend at arielle's flat. everyone had left, and only her and mahsa remained. for some reason, masha decided to spent the whole weekend in front of the television. i don't understand why. although, the all weekend long rainy weather didnt help much. (this is why my laundry is on a rack over the radiator right now).

i can't really tell why, well it is a mix of things, but right now i feel a bit nostalgic.

i have been keeping up with friends from the states, and in touch with my parents, and i am happy here, but i just feel like something is missing. i don't feel "homesick" necessarily, but i am not sure quite what this feeling is.

this time of year, i should be hearing the dreaded christmas music in the mall or any store that i walk into. cinnamon, apple, cider, and pine trees should be filling the air with their sometimes overwhelming smells. but instead, i am hearing russian, provocative, techno-pop music everywhere i go. the smell of mud, smoke, and an almost, "soviet-like" aroma fill my nostrils. the sound of cars, smokers cough, and the murmur of speech on public transportation break the silence here. my bed, dresser, and closet have been replaced with a mattress on the floor, a 1940's shkoff, and a total lack of free space.

i am not discontent with these things, rather, i actually like them. the artifacts that predate a couple generations, the intriguing culture around me, the ability to learn practical information, the chance to change my worldview. these things make me happy!

but still.

there is still a trace of not belonging. of being dragged out of my own comfort zone. of always missing friends, family, and the abundance of un-necessary luxuries!

..oh would i would give for a washer AND DRYER. or maybe ice to put in my drink. and FREE REFILLS anyone? having a car... oh, the luxuries that i have brought up with..

it's just nostalgia.

corn chowder.

the remnants of home-made corn chowder makes this flat smell pretty good. i just can't believe that it came out alright. i mean, i just made corn chowder from scratch! (i am probably way too proud of myself right now). but it was good! i also made some pretty rockin ranch dip.. from scratch.. with no ranch! i'm in some legit shock. :).

anyway.

tomorrow i will be visiting a different church. this is a vineyard church held on the boat, at the base. it is all in russian. but i am just excited to go and encourage Pasha!
Pasha is a student at Vaselkov (trade school), an orphan, and a new friend of mine. i've been priveledged to be able to go to Vaselkov twice a week to help out with the coffee house ministry! so there, i met pasha. he is spending the weekend with andrew and oksana ford, who are dts staff, and incredible people. they attend the vineyard church, and therefore are bringing pasha there tomorrow.

speaking of andrew and oksana ford.. they are going out to pioneer a new base in Vinitsa, Ukraine. which is..

MY OUTREACH LOCATION!
there it is.

to be honest, at first i was kind of disappointed in the fact that i got picked to go to Vinitsa instead of Georgia. I had my heart and mind set on Georgia. But now i realize that the ministry being done in Vinitsa is more up my alley. and i am happy about that! not only do i get to spend outreach with the fords, but i get to work with orphans! and this, this is what i want to do :). how awesome!

as of now, i am exhausted.
night.

it's not like i'm procrastinating or anything..

i should totally be cleaning right now.
but....
...yeah.
i mean, i have all the rest of the day, right?
hahahahah. ohdear. i need help.
i am mentally exhausted.
nothing could have prepared me for this. wow. crazy stuff. that's for sure. i am learning things about myself that i never knew. it's kind of crazy. but it's okay. i can do this. yeah.
and now.
i'll clean.
maybe.
yeah.

there have been better days.

it's been a long week. i don't even know if long would suffice as the most appropriate word here. i'm not going to lie. this past week has been frustrating. living with 4 other girls is not exactly the easiest thing to do. all is good though. just frustrating. we are getting into a schedule now, and the days are starting to become "just another day". waking up at 6:30-7am every morning is proving to be very difficult. for those of you who know anything about me, would know that i struggle just a bit in that area. morning.
but, to be completely honest.. all of this is because of my frustration. not at situations, not at people, but at God. talking about hearing the voice of god, and having a personal relationship with god, i realize how much of that i DON'T have. i don't know why, but for some reason i just feel that maybe he doesnt hear me. maybe he doesnt care. maybe he likes to see me struggle. i'm not sure. i just know that i have never "heard his voice". my personal relationship is close to nonexistent. this frustrates me. i know he is there. i know he can hear me. but why isnt he there. i have never felt so alone. and i know that this is a part of growing, this is a part of dts. this is a part of figuring out who i am, but couldnt it be less stressful? i just dont get why some people seem so close to him. they seem to almost physically hear him in everything they do. the "revelations" people get, i want that! i want that so bad. i just dont know how! i just want to feel the presence of him.
this will pass. sooner would be preferable.

amen.

it has been an amazing week with ben gort. he taught on the holy spirit. awesome! the night of giving last night was very moving. i realize now how selfish i am. i am grateful for a god of second, third, and infinite chances! i am about to go photograph the baptisms about to happen in the river!