it's a transitioning kind of time.

and here it is. the end of lecture phase. i dont know whether to be more excited or sad about this.. i have had so much fun for the past twelve weeks, and now i have another twelve to look forward too. sure, i had some ups and downs, and of course outreach phase will not be a walk in the park, but i have made it, and i will continue to make it!

about 20mins ago we, as a dts, held a fundraising night for our outreaches! i am not sure quite how much we made, but we had a good time doing it!

recent news has told us that the armenia team has had a change of plans. they will now all be flying into turkey, and then taking the second half for armenia and a slight possibility of ministering in Iran. (i am a little jealous about that one!)

anyway, i am packing my stuff away to be able to move in 6 days!

i am so excited!

it's just nostalgia.

it's not like time is something that ever stops. this can get annoying. i feel as if my time is running away from me. who said that it could go so fast? that's not cool. i'm almost halfway through my dts. and it feels like it just started. how can that be? i really don't understand it.

maybe it's the fact that here, in ukraine, during the winter, the sun sets at about 430pm. the day isn't even close to being over when it is pitch black outside. it's pretty new for me.

but even with the lack of sun, i feel like i am being fast forwarded. time flies!

anyway.

right now i am enjoying the flat all to myself. laundry done, room clean, homework done, book report finished, listening to cartel :), and with a hot cup of grape chai sitting next to me, being sipped at a slow pace. this is nice.

i feel accomplished.

i spent the whole weekend at arielle's flat. everyone had left, and only her and mahsa remained. for some reason, masha decided to spent the whole weekend in front of the television. i don't understand why. although, the all weekend long rainy weather didnt help much. (this is why my laundry is on a rack over the radiator right now).

i can't really tell why, well it is a mix of things, but right now i feel a bit nostalgic.

i have been keeping up with friends from the states, and in touch with my parents, and i am happy here, but i just feel like something is missing. i don't feel "homesick" necessarily, but i am not sure quite what this feeling is.

this time of year, i should be hearing the dreaded christmas music in the mall or any store that i walk into. cinnamon, apple, cider, and pine trees should be filling the air with their sometimes overwhelming smells. but instead, i am hearing russian, provocative, techno-pop music everywhere i go. the smell of mud, smoke, and an almost, "soviet-like" aroma fill my nostrils. the sound of cars, smokers cough, and the murmur of speech on public transportation break the silence here. my bed, dresser, and closet have been replaced with a mattress on the floor, a 1940's shkoff, and a total lack of free space.

i am not discontent with these things, rather, i actually like them. the artifacts that predate a couple generations, the intriguing culture around me, the ability to learn practical information, the chance to change my worldview. these things make me happy!

but still.

there is still a trace of not belonging. of being dragged out of my own comfort zone. of always missing friends, family, and the abundance of un-necessary luxuries!

..oh would i would give for a washer AND DRYER. or maybe ice to put in my drink. and FREE REFILLS anyone? having a car... oh, the luxuries that i have brought up with..

it's just nostalgia.

corn chowder.

the remnants of home-made corn chowder makes this flat smell pretty good. i just can't believe that it came out alright. i mean, i just made corn chowder from scratch! (i am probably way too proud of myself right now). but it was good! i also made some pretty rockin ranch dip.. from scratch.. with no ranch! i'm in some legit shock. :).

anyway.

tomorrow i will be visiting a different church. this is a vineyard church held on the boat, at the base. it is all in russian. but i am just excited to go and encourage Pasha!
Pasha is a student at Vaselkov (trade school), an orphan, and a new friend of mine. i've been priveledged to be able to go to Vaselkov twice a week to help out with the coffee house ministry! so there, i met pasha. he is spending the weekend with andrew and oksana ford, who are dts staff, and incredible people. they attend the vineyard church, and therefore are bringing pasha there tomorrow.

speaking of andrew and oksana ford.. they are going out to pioneer a new base in Vinitsa, Ukraine. which is..

MY OUTREACH LOCATION!
there it is.

to be honest, at first i was kind of disappointed in the fact that i got picked to go to Vinitsa instead of Georgia. I had my heart and mind set on Georgia. But now i realize that the ministry being done in Vinitsa is more up my alley. and i am happy about that! not only do i get to spend outreach with the fords, but i get to work with orphans! and this, this is what i want to do :). how awesome!

as of now, i am exhausted.
night.

it's not like i'm procrastinating or anything..

i should totally be cleaning right now.
but....
...yeah.
i mean, i have all the rest of the day, right?
hahahahah. ohdear. i need help.
i am mentally exhausted.
nothing could have prepared me for this. wow. crazy stuff. that's for sure. i am learning things about myself that i never knew. it's kind of crazy. but it's okay. i can do this. yeah.
and now.
i'll clean.
maybe.
yeah.

there have been better days.

it's been a long week. i don't even know if long would suffice as the most appropriate word here. i'm not going to lie. this past week has been frustrating. living with 4 other girls is not exactly the easiest thing to do. all is good though. just frustrating. we are getting into a schedule now, and the days are starting to become "just another day". waking up at 6:30-7am every morning is proving to be very difficult. for those of you who know anything about me, would know that i struggle just a bit in that area. morning.
but, to be completely honest.. all of this is because of my frustration. not at situations, not at people, but at God. talking about hearing the voice of god, and having a personal relationship with god, i realize how much of that i DON'T have. i don't know why, but for some reason i just feel that maybe he doesnt hear me. maybe he doesnt care. maybe he likes to see me struggle. i'm not sure. i just know that i have never "heard his voice". my personal relationship is close to nonexistent. this frustrates me. i know he is there. i know he can hear me. but why isnt he there. i have never felt so alone. and i know that this is a part of growing, this is a part of dts. this is a part of figuring out who i am, but couldnt it be less stressful? i just dont get why some people seem so close to him. they seem to almost physically hear him in everything they do. the "revelations" people get, i want that! i want that so bad. i just dont know how! i just want to feel the presence of him.
this will pass. sooner would be preferable.

amen.

it has been an amazing week with ben gort. he taught on the holy spirit. awesome! the night of giving last night was very moving. i realize now how selfish i am. i am grateful for a god of second, third, and infinite chances! i am about to go photograph the baptisms about to happen in the river!

moving along..

Wow. What to say. I don't even know where to begin.
Okay, so here goes. This past week has been interesting, difficult, amazing, and just about any other adjective that one could possibly think of.

As far as the actual lectures go, this week's topic was taught by Sergey Shidlovskiy (don't be intimidated by his webpage, he really is a very personable guy, wise too.) He lead us through a week of "Developing A Personal Relationship With God", however, he made the mistake of asking for questions during the third day of his teaching. To clarify, when I say "mistake", I really mean that he gave us, as students, the opportunity to ask the one question that the every speaker, our leaders, and the whole school has been focused around but never answered. That question was, "Everyone that has spoken to us has given us the answer to many questions, that answer is to, simply, listen to the voice of God for direction. Now we just want to know how do we do that!?" Therefore, God changed our direction, and, after a quick meeting to discuss the change in plans, Sergey put aside his lesson for the day and delivered a, much needed, insightful lecture on "How To Listen To Voice of God ". It was truly amazing.

Concerning the week's activities: On Sunday I attended ICA, International Christian Assembly. I like it a lot! The atmosphere there is very friendly, and the whole church is extremely relational. Although it does help that it is an English speaking church! (sometimes overseas missionaries
not only bless the locals, but the other missionaries there too!) I am pretty sure that I will be going back on a regular basis.
Outreach Prep on Tuesday was completely lead by God. Again, as with Sergey, what was planned is not what was carried out. God spoke to our DTS leaders, and the whole evening was spent with us, the students, interceding for our leaders while they were in the other room praying for the locations. Note: this has never happened before in any of their previous DTS's! We're believing that it is not time to know yet, for we have not received a location just yet. But the possibilities are Turkey, Georgia, Armenia, and the native Russian speakers have been invited to Iran (sometimes i wish that English was not my native language, I want to go to Iran so bad!)
Small groups on Wednesday were split up into boys and girls. I can't speak for the boys who played soccer and ate shashlik (BBQ), but I can speak for the girls when I say that I had fun in Oksana Ford's, DTS staff, flat playing charades, getting to know my female classmates better, and (of course) catching my hair on fire! It was pretty epic. I'm okay though, but the ends of my hair are a little singed.
Thursday night, Family Night, was divided into small groups in host houses. The topic was masks, and how we wear them to hide who we really are. I got the privilege of being hosted by Helmut and Susanna (a German couple). Not only did we have fun and learn a lot, but I had a chance to practice my German! And I actually did alright!
To finish, tonight, Friday night, I just got back from a "Friendship Dinner" with some people here locally, both from YWAM, and just the area. We listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler, discussed it, worshiped, and ate dinner together. It was a perfect way to end the week!

As for this weekend, tomorrow I will go with some other DTS girls to the botanical gardens and just walk around the city. Sunday will be full of church, flat cleaning, and finishing the weekly assignment!

To leave with a good note of what God's doing here, a couple of things. First of all, this DTS has been, or what the staff has been telling us, unlike any other. God's hand is in this completely! They have had to switch around many things just to keep up with where God is leading the school! Secondly, God has been breaking down so many walls already. I have already been molded, shaped, and sometimes painfully stretched. Last of all, On my way home from lectures today, I stopped to talk to a lady who sits out on my street everyday. (To be honest I forgot her name). She sits on the bench right outside of my apartment for about 3-4 hours with her dog, everyday! So I decided to talk to her. She is 91, has Parkinsons Disease, or at least I think so from her constant uncontrollable shaking, can't hear well at all, and has trouble walking. I initiated the conversation, but she was so glad that someone talked to her that she kept it up. She relayed to me how she outlived all of her friends, and now she doesn't have any. We talked for a very long time, and I invited her to a Russian speaking church very close to her home. She was more than excited for the invitation, and I am now working on transportation for her to get there. Needless to say, I have an additional grandmother here (or babushka). As I left she even called me a joy, and gift, and .. well.. she has, in effect, adopted me as her vnuchka (granddaughter).

All in all the week has been good, despite the few speedbumps along the way, including our flat almost burning down from using to much electricity. The plug literally exploded! Fire and everything!

911.

so the boat next door caught on fire this morning. that was interesting. although, now, we have had inspectors in all morning. this base is already on the shutdown list. please pray. i dont know how the fire on the nextdoor boat had anything to do with the base, but here in ukraine. who knows. anyway. we had a prayer time just to focus on god's direction for ywam kyiv. the general consensus was that we needed to be confident in god. and thats what we'll do. however, i do ask for prayers.

don't put your faith in what god is doing, for we do not know what he is doing. however, put your faith in who god is. his character is revealed in who he is. and with faith in the character of god, we can be sure that he is, and will always take care of us.

in a nutshell..

homework? done. dinner? made, eaten. sick? not anymore. pajamas? on.

it's been good.
new friends.
great speakers.
awesome experiences.
it's been good.

sleep? now :).

oh wow.

i am sitting in front of a table beautifully decorated and full of friends. tonight is the love feast. the ternopil dts along with mine have been interacting for the last week and will continue to be together for another week. these past few days have been filled with alot. joy, friendship, love, heartache, sickness, understanding, misunderstanding, frustration, excitement, and much much more. i have already endured alot here. i cant explain everything in words. i can, however, express my gratitude in being here. i have been blessed beyond words here. with new friends, a deeper understanding, already, of god, good times, understanding people, and acceptance. i am not able to fully express my heart for this organization. ywam is simply indescribable.

so far.

DTS is awesome. i am loving it. i have already been to a conference and back, met loren and darlene cunningham, made many new friends, and i am living in an apartment with 4 other girls. right now we have the tenopil team with us and we are about to go on a tour of kyiv. my work duty tonight is to make dinner for all of the 40 people! hahaha. i'm making spaghetti. yumm. tomorrow we will all do a street evangelism outside. i am so excited! we have been super busy, so my free time is limited. but when we get into a schedule, i will have lots of that!

i'm not so good at coming up with catchy titles..

it's been a great day. today started VERY slowly, with some free time :). it was nice. i got some much needed rest. that was followed by a super successful visit to the raduga internat (orphanage). i will definitely miss those kids when i leave this beautiful city. i dont know what it is, but whether you know any of the children or not, leaving ANY orphanage is not an easy thing to do. it's incredibly difficult. as of now, i am settling down for the night, playing in photoshop (i'm a bit of a photography nerd), and enjoyng some quality time with my dad. he took me out to eat! at a place which translated to three fat guys, hahaha! it was awesome. i am also not feeling my absolute best. i have had a sore throat and some cold symptoms. it is not exactly ideal. but i can make it. all in all, this trip is, so far, amazingly productive. i am satisfied!

9.20.2010

i am independent. i am. i am. i am. but, if so, why do i miss my home so much? i swore i was not going to. i promised myself that i was going to start fresh. but i just cant throw the past away. as i am wasting my time in the most popular social networking site, facebook, i find myself reminiscing about the good times i have had. and. well. i miss them. i really do. i know that while i am here, new memories and friends will be made, but i cant bring myself to trash the life that i have temporarily left behind. this will not bring me down. i know that for sure. but i will never forget those who have shaped me into who i am. and i will never stop thanking you for the encouragement and support along the way.

9.16.2010

A simple smile. We take that for granted. Why wouldn't we smile? That's the question, right? Well how about this.. Why do we smile? We smile because someone said something funny. We smile because we are getting our picture taken. We smile because we are happy. So, what if your situation wasn't so funny, no one was there to take your picture, what if you were not happy? What then? Why would you smile? I sometimes wonder how I could bring myself to smile in those situations. Situations the same as those in the orphanages. Orphanages like the one I visited today. Today I went to the snezhnoya orphanage in snezhnoya, ukraine. There, I was greeted by 95 smiling faces. I was taken aback to how these children with practically nothing, could seem so content. But as I looked deeper into their eyes I could see it. Their faces were so full of hurt, sadness, and a need to belong. In such a situation I could not even imagine putting on such a normal facade. But then it hit me. I was there. I was a visitor! Something that these kids rarely get. In fact, in snezhnoya, these children are visited even less than most other orphanages in the country. This is because of their remote location. About 2 hours from the city of Donetsk (where i am currently staying). This visit meant the world to them. As my father, two other American men (Chuck and Tony), two Ukrainian mentors (Yasha and Alyona), and I visited these children, their world was different. The sadness and oppression was left behind. They were happy! I saw some of the biggest smiles, not on their mouths, but in their eyes. I know I can make a difference. I have been told all throughout my life. However, I know now that the previous statement could not be any more true. Their enthusiasm was visible. Obvious. But now I realize that the influence that I have had on these kids cannot compare to the change in perspective that they have given me. How can I say that I am a victim? How can I complain about any situation that I may be in? How is that fair? I have been given everything. And they have nothing. I am privileged to be able to share my hope, my light, my enthusiasm, and the source of my smile with these children. I was able to not only share Jesus, but be Jesus to the kids of the snezhnoya orphanage. The love that was given today is not even comparable to that of any earthly parent. No. This love is one of the healer to the sick, the strength for the weak, and the father to the fatherless. Love and hope. This is where the smiles are from. Love and Hope. Hope in a light at the end of the tunnel. Love from the father to all. Hope in a God who created the whole earth. Hope in the God who created these children. Hope in Jesus Christ. I am able to share this hope! I am privileged to share this hope. I am called to share this hope. And for that, I am thankful.

9.13.2010

it's the second day here in kyiv. things are going GREAT! i absolutely adore it here. at 1130 this morning my dad and i went to visit the YWAM base and drop off my bags. it is beautiful. i got a tour of the barge that i will be having classes in. it's actually pretty cool! although, i did learn that it used to be a hotel run by the mafia and, even, a brothel.
i was very excited to hear that i will not be the youngest (as i usually am) and the majority of the DTS students are close to my age. there are 15(or so) signed up. i am very much looking forward to it!
from what i am told, the YWAM staff are looking at flats for the students to stay in. i was told that the daily commute (via walking) will be approximately 25mins to the base. i will walk that twice a day. oi!


(the above photo is one of the car i made out of my kalbasa and bread. who says you cant play with your food!?)

In Kyiv!

Praise God! My dad and I are here in Kyiv Ukraine, safe and happy. (Well, a little tired, but nonetheless, happy that we have made it!) The flight went very well, and I actually got some rest! As of this moment, we are waiting for the flat that we will stay in for 3 days, to become available. It should be available within the next two hours.

For the next three days we will be getting used to the time zone, taking it easy, and getting some housekeeping stuff done. On Monday morning, we should be meeting with the YWAM base leaders to drop off my luggage and get a feel for the area. Then it is off to Donetsk!

goodbye!

i am leaving tomorrow for ukraine. i will be gone for approximately 8 months. i thank everyone for their prayers and support! as of now, i could get on the 7am or the 930am flight to new york. from there i will be headed to Kyiv, Ukraine. i am going to miss everyone so much! my family has been such a big help and awesome support group for me! goodbye usa. i will be back. but for now, i am on my way to see what God has for me to do in Ukraine!

13 days.

my visa should be here tomorrow. i am so excited! i'll be leaving for ukraine on september 11th. it doesnt get any more real than this. God is awesome!

17moredays.

i will get on that plane. september 11th (or earlier). my invitation should be sent. now it's time to just pray. this whole fundraising thing has been such a faith building experience. but now i know that whatever i need will be provided. i'm not even scared! it seems as though the only thing on my mind is the next 8 months. i cant go 5mins of not thinking about it. only 17more days.

but there is so little time.

i am beginning to think of all the things that need to be prepared, and quite frankly, i dont have them. i am so excited to go, but i am so swamped with stuff to do. i would love to just clear my schedule. take a break! i'm not so used to this planning stuff. either way, i am super pumped to go! i will be sending out updates while i'm there. please pray for me!

it's time.

it's actually happening. i am in the middle of fundraising to go to Ukraine. i can not believe this. thank you God, for putting this vision into my heart.

Our God is Greater.

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shining
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God…
- Chris Tomlin.

breathe.

i just finished writing the rough draft of my fundraising letter. here's to a long process just started! i am so excited that this is all actually happening. God is so awesome! it's times like this when i feel like jumping up and down and telling EVERYONE how amazing he is.
although while this is all so excited i am nervous. i have just begun to realize how much of a faith building process this fundraising thing is. God, i'm counting on you. i dont expect you to let me down.

BREATHE.

it is all going to be alright. take a moment and pray. thank you, God for everything that you have done. you are the best. YOU WILL PROVIDE.

6.6.2010

you cut me down, and you raise me up. i don't get it. you are love, yet you contradict yourself. love does not fight. but you call us to fight. you call us to make war. i am at war. i am at war with everything inside me. you say that what's right, feels wrong and what's wrong feels right. you confuse me. why cant i just be like you? how hard can it be? but you, you were; you are perfect. i strive to be the person you call me to be. but i feel myself working towards perfection with the same motivation that i work towards anything. minimal. you have given me a life, a family, everything that i could ask for. and i cant return a simple calling. God, intervene. take what's yours. my life, my all, my everything. i am yours. intervene.

Mission Statement

"He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.' " (Mark 16:15-18) NIV.